Joanne Palmer: Lies I can live with |

Joanne Palmer: Lies I can live with

Joanne Palmer

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at or

Lies. It's amazing how many little falsehoods I tell myself every single day. Most of them are harmless, and many fall into the category of diet and exercise, but still, they are not exactly the honest truth. In an effort to free up additional space in my brain and promote healthier thinking, I have listed all the lies (and spiced it up with a few friends' lies) I told myself in a 48-hour period. Now purged, I will never lie to myself again. Oops, that might have been a lie. Nevertheless, here they are:

■ The diet starts tomorrow.

■ I'll write a funnier column next week.

■ I'm not an old lady if I root through my wallet to pay with exact change even when there is a long line behind me.

■ Even though I made an unhealthy food choice, I will work it off in an exercise class later.

■ I'll get in some cardio tomorrow.

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■ It's the jeans that make me look fat, not the body.

■ The skin around my neck doesn't look like an elephant's backside, but just to be on the safe side, I'll wear a scarf.

■ Question: Are we there yet? Answer: Soon.

■ 8 p.m. is way too late to exercise. I'll do it tomorrow.

■ It's not bad karma to sit in an airport lounge and mentally make unflattering comments about fellow travelers.

■ I'll clean the bathroom, pay bills, get caught up, exercise and eat right. I will. Tomorrow.

■ I'll never do that again.

■ Too late to start that project now.

■ It's perfectly OK to lug a journal on a trip and not write in it.

■ It's normal to pay $25 to check a suitcase because you can't figure out what to pack.

■ It's logical to buy a bigger suitcase and pay $25 to check it because there was a sale at Gap.

■ It's fine to bring three books on a trip to read and then buy other books that might be slightly more interesting to read than the books I brought.

■ The diet starts tomorrow. Really.

■ There is nothing wrong with using five airport plastic bins to get through security.

■ I'll set the alarm one hour early and get up and exercise.

■ Nothing but fruits and vegetables tomorrow. Not one piece of chocolate will pass my lips.

■ Perfectly acceptable, even necessary to eat more during stressful times. Stress burns up twice as many calories.

■ The diet starts tomorrow.

■ Not remembering someone's name is not an indication of the early onset of dementia.

■ I will make a living will tomorrow.

■ Strict adherence to drinking out of a specific coffee cup every morning is not a sign of OCD.

■ Nail biting is a sign of superior intelligence.

■ A dirty house is a sign of superior intelligence.

■ Another glass of wine will not result in a headache in the morning.

■ The mirror lies.

■ I am not afraid of flying. I am not. Just because the first episode of "Lost" replays through my mind from the time I board an airplane until we are airborne does not mean I am afraid of flying. Nope. Doesn't mean a thing.

■ If I don't own a pair of ballet flats I am not unfashionable.

■ Must have been lost in cyberspace.

■ I haven't aged a minute.

■ First class is overrated.

■ I'll start my diet tomorrow.

■ My clothes shrunk again in the dryer.

■ That's my wine glass for sure; it has more wine in it.

■ I have nothing to wear.

■ No, it's not burnt. I like it well done.

■ I'll just finish it tomorrow.

■ One scoop of Haagen Dazs ginger ice cream is good for me and my digestion. Two scoops is even better.

■ The diet starts tomorrow.