Joanne Palmer: Holiday horoscopes
December 5, 2007
Steamboat SpringsSteamboat Springs — ARIES (March 21-April 19): Rewrap. Regift. Rejoice. You have found a home for the white elephant you got last year. Now, someone else will have a toilet plunger that sings, “I'm Too Sexy for the Bowl.” — ARIES (March 21-April 19): Rewrap. Regift. Rejoice. You have found a home for the white elephant you got last year. Now, someone else will have a toilet plunger that sings, “I'm Too Sexy for the Bowl.”
Steamboat Springs — ARIES (March 21-April 19): Rewrap. Regift. Rejoice. You have found a home for the white elephant you got last year. Now, someone else will have a toilet plunger that sings, “I’m Too Sexy for the Bowl.”
– TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You’re bullish about finances, but don’t let your optimism lead you in the wrong direction. Instead, pretend that you’re worried about the economy like everyone else and use it to play Scrooge. It’s a great excuse to shop at the Dollar Tree and plead poverty. Nobody needs to know about the half million you’ve got hidden away!
– GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ve been naughty. You’ve been nice. Which one is it going to be? After all, you love to keep people guessing. But let’s face it, you’re hoping your honey has seen those car commercials where a new BMW ends up in the driveway with a big bow around it. For a gift like that, you’ve got to play it sweet and passive, at least until December 26. Go ahead, SMILE, it will be worth it! You can frown again after the holidays!
– CANCER (June 21-July 22): With planet Rudolph moving toward the North Pole, you’d better stick close to home. You know how nervous you get when asked to consider relocation, and the thought that Santa might ask you to circumvent the Earth in one night – well, it’s enough to bring back the hives so bad that your nose turns red! Drink cocoa by the fire and lock the doors against intruders; especially those carrying presents and wearing black boots.
– LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You know you’re king of the jungle, and you will win the debate over tinsel or no tinsel, twinkle or no twinkle, but there’s no need to roar about it.
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Reserve your growling nature for the long lines at the post office, the crowds in the stores and missing packages. Bah, humbug!
– VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’re feeling smug because you’ve had the presents wrapped (in wrapping paper bought last Dec. 26) since July. Wipe that smile off your face, drop 15 Twinkies into your blender, add a bottle of rum, and see what happens.
– LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)-You are the peacekeeper, neutral in all situations. As soon as your sister-in-law asks, “Did you gain some weight?” remember your mantra: “Don’t take the bait.”
– SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Remember, living well is the best revenge. Go buy that plasma HDTV, curl up in cashmere, sip your Dom Perignon and beware the fool that knocks on your door.
– SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you are looking for a roller coaster ride full of loop-de-loos, you’ll find it this year in a house full of insane relatives. Uncle Charlie will be drunk and hanging from the rooftop as he pretends that Santa is coming to take him away to someplace better. Aunt Mildred is sure to ask for the hundredth time, “What did you do to your hair?” Your sister is due for a meltdown of epic proportions since her boyfriend was discovered having an affair with a Victoria’s Secret model. Welcome home, Sag!
– CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Last year, you bought your wife Carhartt overalls big enough to fit an elephant. You thought them practical. This year you splurged on a mega flashlight knowing how afraid she is of the dark. You better learn how to run – fast – to the local jewelry store or prepare to sign the divorce papers come January.
– AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Okay, so it’s your time of year – joy to the world, love to all people, peace on earth and all the rest. Trouble is, you’ve got $5 in your bank account and your boss keeps threatening to fire you. Instead of freaking out, fire up your creative abilities. Grandma taught you to crochet, so haul out the yarn and get to work – then call everyone else a shallow, materialistic consumer!
– PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar.20): You are torn between a petal-pink peignoir and asking that money be given in your name for a flock of chickens to remote villagers in the Andes. The chickens win, but you are first in line at the January sales to get exactly what you want in the lingerie department.