Joanne Palmer: Calling Detroit | SteamboatToday.com

Joanne Palmer: Calling Detroit

Life in the 'Boat

Joanne Palmer

Most mothers double as chauffeurs driving their children here, there and everywhere. We are forever running late, to lacrosse practice, Winter Sports Club programs, racing across town to return overdue library books and making late night trips to the store to buy poster board for science fair projects due tomorrow.

Mothers live in their cars, eat in their cars, change into ski clothes in their cars – so why are car manufacturers so incapable of designing a “mom-mobile” that is both fun and functional to drive? Who cares about horsepower, turning radius or the transmission? We need a car that makes motherhood easier, and it doesn’t have to be pink. Listen up Detroit, I’ve taken a poll of mothers and have some ideas for you:

– G.P.S. A global pie system is an absolute necessity for a mom-mobile. All road trips make me crave homemade pie and I need a navigational device to get me there. I’m talking about an old-fashioned diner that has big, beautiful pies spinning around in a clear case. Pies with flaky homemade crusts made from vegetable shortening and loaded with trans fats. I’m talking about a diner with a waitress named Betty who’s smart enough not to ask, but just serves your pie “a la mode” with a steaming hot cup of coffee.

– Privacy screens. At the push of a button, screens should cover the windshield and all windows so the driver or her passengers can change clothes in the car. Or breast-feed. Or take a nap.

– Thank-you light. After writing a big fat check you have a new alternator, but nothing new to wear to work. No boot cut jeans, new shoes or lingerie. And did anyone even say the magic word? A thank-you sign on the dashboard that lights up anytime you spend more than $200 on car repairs would be a nice feature.

– Affirmation Station. Headphones for mothers only so they can listen to the words they most want to hear: “You are strong! You are powerful! You are thin! No those jeans do not make you look fat. You are thin, thin, thin. Angelina Jolie has nothing on you, bab-ee.”

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– Hypno-stick. A magic wand pops up, moves back and forth, back and forth, until small children in the back seat get sleepy, very sleepy and stop annoying their mother.

– Central Vacuum. Naturally activates at midnight to suck up crumbs, dog hair and animal crackers.

– Latte machine. Motherhood is exhausting but so much more fun with a grande mocha latte.

– Aerobic Accelerator. Mothers always multitask, so why not burn a few extra calories while driving to recycle? The driver’s seat should double as a recumbent bike so you have buns of steel by the time you get there.

– Aromatherapy Button. A light citrus mist to mask odors of dirty socks, sneakers and the wet dog coming from the back seat.

– Subliminal Suggestion Station. The Barney song may be playing, but behind the music your children are hearing this message: “Mom is the most wonderful person in the world. Do everything she says. No fighting. Tell her what a great hair day she’s having, and how much you love and appreciate her.”

– ATM. Why drive through when the money can be right here, ready to go.

– Recipe Cards. What to have for dinner tonight? Recipe cards at the push of a button, ingredient list faxed to the grocery store and ten minutes later Buff the bag boy is waiting curbside to load them into your car.

Detroit, thanks for listening. Let me know when this car is available, and I and the other 10 million moms in America will have our checkbooks ready.

Otherwise, I’m calling Japan.