Joanne Palmer: Things that make me go ‘hmm’
August 17, 2011
Steamboat Springs — I've said it before and I'll say it again: When did everything get so complicated?
For example, remote controls. I think there are at least five remotes to our TV. They work for other members of my household but not for me. On the rare occasion I want to watch TV, I am juggling remotes like a magician trying to figure out which one turns on the cable box versus the TV itself. If my son is home, I am in luck. If he isn't home, I usually read instead.
Cell phone chargers: Our house seems to be the place cell phone chargers go to take their last breath. The other day I pulled a tangle of chargers from five different drawers and — you guessed it — none of them worked for my phone.
Medical bills: I do not need a preview of my bill. Why kill trees sending me something that claims it is not a bill when it looks like a bill, feels like a bill and contains this statement at the bottom: "You may owe the provider $23.62."
Dog breeds: There's no such thing as a mutt anymore. The other day I asked someone what type of dog she had and she replied, "Oh, I had Mitzy's DNA run. She's a Poopard-Porkie." I was stunned. Speaking of dogs, call me crazy but I just had my dog's teeth brushed. Professionally. Her teeth are sparkling white. Mine? Not so much.
Facebook: I confess that I spend too much time reading everyone's status updates. When I see the person in real life, a small shock goes through my body. There's no point asking, "What's new?" I already know.
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Airline tickets: Buying an airline ticket is crazy-making. Just when I think I can click and buy the ticket, the airline wants to play a game of 20 questions.
Plastic bags: Soon I might have to pay for the plastic bags at the grocery store. I understand that plastic is not so great for the environment. I'm just saying, this poses an additional complication.
Coffee: If I ever need a laugh, nothing beats eavesdropping at a local coffee shop. Some people can take over a minute to order a cup of coffee. There is no such thing as a cup of coffee anymore. Listening to people order their coffee is like listening to a giant run-on sentence: "Half-caff, double tall, skinny, hazelnut, foam, double cup, no lid, 180 degrees, room for cream, stirred." Phew. Maybe it's better to not wake up.
Privacy notices: I could probably wallpaper a bathroom with the number of privacy notices I get in the mail. No one, except an attorney, can understand what is written inside.
Sentences: Sentences and syllables are struggling, being replaced by things like ROTFLMBO? (Rolling on the floor laughing my butt off).
I know what you're thinking. "OMG, who is this lady?"