Joanne Palmer: Ski season suggestions | SteamboatToday.com
Joanne Palmer

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Joanne Palmer: Ski season suggestions

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

— Dear Ski Corp.,

With 98 days until ski season begins, I’ve dipped into the locals’ suggestion box and pulled out 11 suggestions for you to consider for the upcoming season. Here they are:

1. All 20-year, full-time residents should be rewarded with a lifetime ski pass. Conservative calculations show these people have worked about 100 hours per week since moving to Ski Town USA while happily serving as local ambassadors. What do you know, I qualify! I’ll be watching my mailbox for my pass.

2. Please change the morning ski report to reflect our world-class image. Here are some examples:

– Press 1 to hear the ski report in British: “Jolly good! It’s snowing and it looks bloody marvelous outside. Let’s grab a pint and then ski the 12 inches of crisp white snow that fell last night. Cheerio!”

– Press 2 to hear the ski report in Australian: “G’day mate, it’s snowing in the ‘Boat! In the past 24 hours, we have received 12 inches of Vegemite : oops, I mean 12 inches of Champagne Powder. G’on now, get up out of bed mate, and get on over to the gondola.”

– Press 3 to hear the ski report in Texan: “Morning, y’all. Y’all, I can see some of this white stuff falling, and it’s colder than a blue norther. I suggest y’all have a breakfast burrito, go shopping and then if it stops snowing, y’all can come on out to ski. But wait until they groom the 12 inches of snow that fell.”

– Press 4 to hear the ski report in Local: “Dude : I’m already up here. I’ve tracked up the trees, man. Bummer for you. I’m not telling you where my secret powder stash is, but if you get up here you can find 12 inches of fresh pow on your own. C-ya.”

3. Put Port-A-Potties by the gondola entrance.

4. Lift operators double as Match.com agents. They need to wear buttons that read, “Make a love connection today.”

5. The Four Points Hut needs to be renamed “The Social Networking Zone.” Here skiers can send mobile uploads to their Facebook and MySpace pages while tweeting their friends back home.

6. Divert the water intended for Steamboat 700 to Ski Time Square. Flood the empty area and create an outdoor skating rink, serve hot cocoa and roasted chestnuts. Or change the site of Steamboat 700 to Ski Time Square. No more worry about water; no more worry about annexation. Or transform Ski Time Square into Red Rocks II, a beautiful outdoor amphitheater with stunning views of Mount Werner.

7. Get rid of the singles line and make it a locals line. To prove you are a local, bring copies of W-2s showing you held down six jobs during the last ski season and still managed to ski 99 days.

8. Make hat-hair stations at the base filled with state-of-the-art hair products to volumize your hair so you can aprÃs ski without helmet hair.

9. Install Mapquest stations at every lift so visitors can get directions to Wally World downloaded to their PDA and stop annoying lift operators and ski patrollers with direction requests.

10. Rename the yurt “The Cell Phone Zone,” where skiers can charge their phones, demo a different type of phone, or make a call without running the risk of dropping their phone off the chair lift or stopping in the middle of a run to answer a phone call.

11. AARP-sponsored stations strategically located around the base area provide trail maps for the over-50 crowd, with LARGE PRINT.