There will be no Christmas next year. I have looked into my crystal ball and am here to announce, sadly, that Christmas will only be an app in 2013. The iChristmas app.
Yes, after looking through a variety of catalogs, I think it is safe to say that future holidays will be celebrated on your iPhone, iPad or iTouch. You will download a gift-giving app, a present-wrapping app, a decorating-the-tree app and a dealing-with-the-visiting-relatives app. With just a wave of your smart phone, cookies will bake in your oven, stockings will be hung and eggnog made.
Children will now sing, “iRudolph! iPrancer! iDonner! iBlitzen!” They will no longer have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, but visions of handheld gadgets and gizmos.
This season there is no shortage of accessories for your iProducts. They allow you to take your iDevice in the shower, in the car, or lay flat on your back to use it. It’s too much. I was feeling pretty cool that I finally got an iPad and relieved I no longer was too far behind on the technology curve, but then along comes all the accessories and I am back to feeling uncool again.
Here’s proof — via the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog — that the holidays will be nothing more than an app next year:
■ iPad Adjustable Floor Stand, $179.95
Umm, unless you have a medical condition, I’m not exactly sure why you would need to view your iPad while laying flat on your back. But if you do, and if have $179.95 of disposable income, you can get an gadget that telescopes, tilts and swivels to allow you to look at your iPad from just about any position. The description: “The stand telescopes from 30-inches to 53-inches high, yaws and rotates 360 degrees ...” What is yaw? At first I thought it was a typo, then I had to Google it on my iPad, of course, and discovered it was a “side-to-side motion.” So there you have it.
■ The Augmented Reality iPhone Laser Blaster, $59.95
If you’ve been losing sleep worrying that aliens are invading your iPhone, this gizmo is for you. Attach your phone to the blaster and fire away. It might be therapeutic if you are unhappy with your phone.
■ iPhone-Controlled Ball-Dropping Bomber, $129.95
Talk about one strange gadget. If you have an annoying relative in the house, you now have the ability to drop a tennis ball on his or her head by controlling a helicopter-like apparatus with an iPhone app. Seriously, I am not sure exactly what else you would use this for, but it allows you to turn your iDevice into an unmanned drone.
■ iPhone Drumset, $99.95
Here is a sure way to clear the house of company. This is a drumpad that lets you make like Ringo Starr and create and record percussion to songs played from an iPhone, iPad or iPod Touch.
■ The Automobile iPad Cupholder Mount, $49.95
If your car is your office, here is a way to mount your iPad right next to your Starbucks coffee via a cupholder mount. This is another swiveling, rotating device.
■ Viper SmartStart app
Ah, Siri, the virtual assistant that lives inside your iDevice is now available to start your car. All you have to do is download the SmartStart app and tell Siri to tell the app to start your car. Of course, you need to first buy a SmartStart system from Viper, which starts at $399.
■ Natural Acoustics iPhone Amplifier, $499.95
Calling all Fred Flintstone fans. This looks just like the dinosaur bone telephone Fred used to talk to Barney. Insert your iPhone or iPod Touch and it will amplify the sound. Maybe Wilma will answer.
■ iGrill $79.99
This is the perfect stocking stuffer for any techy barbecue fanatic on your gift list. The iGrill uses Bluetooth technology to let you know when your meat has reached perfection.
Please, Santa, bring me an old-fashioned Christmas this year and every year.