Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Find more columns by Palmer here.
Steamboat Springs It is time to set the record straight on the weather. No one has a clue. Not me. Not you. And especially not the weather forecasters. You can stare at the sky, watch the Weather Channel or click on websites to read up on barometric pressure, jet streams and stationary fronts, and guess what? The weather, just like a 3-year-old, has a mind of its own. It will do whatever it wants, when it wants.
Weather can be summed up in one word: “Sometimes.” Sometimes it’s hot. Sometimes it’s cold. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it’s sunny. Sometimes it’s hot, cold, rainy and sunny all during the same five minutes. Here in Steamboat Springs, the other weather word is “always,” because there’s always a chance of snow. Even on the Fourth of July.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a weather forecaster. Yep. I’ve given serious thought to this. I’ve contemplated how best to serve humanity and make money in the next go-round. I think being a weather forecaster — oops, atmospheric scientist — is the answer. There’s lots of job security because something is always going on with the weather, and a daily prediction is required. Predicting the weather can be problematic, but if you’re wrong, no one really cares or yells at you. I like it.
People love to talk about the weather. Unlike religion or politics, weather is a safe topic to toss into the conversational waters during the awkward moments when you are trying to appear nonchalant while removing most of your clothes at airport security checkpoints.
Passenger 1: I can’t remove my shoes because the weatherman said it was going to be hazy, hot and humid today, so I am barefoot.
Passenger 2: What radio station do you listen to? I heard it was going to snow, so I put my cold weather gear on.
Passenger 3: Forget the weather and layer.
TSA agent: Hahahahaha.
Passenger 1: I didn’t wear a jacket because the weatherman said it was going to be hazy, hot and humid today, so I came to the airport in my bathing suit.
Passenger 2: I wore a down puffy jacket.
Passenger 3: I layered.
TSA agent: Hahahahaha.
Passenger 1: Do you want me to remove my bathing suit?
Passenger 2: What do you do with all the shampoo you confiscate?
Passenger 3: I’m smart. I layered.
TSA agent: Shut up, all of you!
To get a head start on my next life, I am going to offer my weather predictions for the rest of the week. No, I have not consulted the Weather Channel, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration or even a dictionary to figure out what barometric pressure is all about. Relying solely on women’s intuition and my magic Ouija board I am going to offer my “Weather for Dummies Forecast.”
Thursday: At the beginning of the day it will be light. At noontime it will be very bright. After that, it’s all downhill until it’s time to turn out the lights and go to bed.
Friday: Spring schizophrenia in honor of April Fools’ Day. Snow followed by warm spring temperatures in the afternoon. Start the day shoveling and then trade in your shovel for a sandbag in the afternoon.
Saturday: Partly cloudy with a chance of who knows what. Anything could happen, so be prepared.
Sunday: The weather will do this or that.
Now, put your bathing suit underneath your down puffy coat and get out there and have some fun.