In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at email@example.com
Find more columns by Palmer here.
Steamboat Springs I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: When did everything get so complicated?
For example, remote controls. I think there are at least five remotes to our TV. They work for other members of my household but not for me. On the rare occasion I want to watch TV, I am juggling remotes like a magician trying to figure out which one turns on the cable box versus the TV itself. If my son is home, I am in luck. If he isn’t home, I usually read instead.
Cell phone chargers: Our house seems to be the place cell phone chargers go to take their last breath. The other day I pulled a tangle of chargers from five different drawers and — you guessed it — none of them worked for my phone.
Medical bills: I do not need a preview of my bill. Why kill trees sending me something that claims it is not a bill when it looks like a bill, feels like a bill and contains this statement at the bottom: “You may owe the provider $23.62.”
Dog breeds: There’s no such thing as a mutt anymore. The other day I asked someone what type of dog she had and she replied, “Oh, I had Mitzy’s DNA run. She’s a Poopard-Porkie.” I was stunned. Speaking of dogs, call me crazy but I just had my dog’s teeth brushed. Professionally. Her teeth are sparkling white. Mine? Not so much.
Facebook: I confess that I spend too much time reading everyone’s status updates. When I see the person in real life, a small shock goes through my body. There’s no point asking, “What’s new?” I already know.
Airline tickets: Buying an airline ticket is crazy-making. Just when I think I can click and buy the ticket, the airline wants to play a game of 20 questions.
Plastic bags: Soon I might have to pay for the plastic bags at the grocery store. I understand that plastic is not so great for the environment. I’m just saying, this poses an additional complication.
Coffee: If I ever need a laugh, nothing beats eavesdropping at a local coffee shop. Some people can take over a minute to order a cup of coffee. There is no such thing as a cup of coffee anymore. Listening to people order their coffee is like listening to a giant run-on sentence: “Half-caff, double tall, skinny, hazelnut, foam, double cup, no lid, 180 degrees, room for cream, stirred.” Phew. Maybe it’s better to not wake up.
Privacy notices: I could probably wallpaper a bathroom with the number of privacy notices I get in the mail. No one, except an attorney, can understand what is written inside.
Sentences: Sentences and syllables are struggling, being replaced by things like ROTFLMBO? (Rolling on the floor laughing my butt off).
I know what you’re thinking. “OMG, who is this lady?”