Tom Ross

Tom Ross

Tom Ross: Doggie-cize will chase blues away

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Tom Ross

Tom Ross' column appears in Steamboat Today. Contact him at 970-871-4205 or tross@SteamboatToday.com.

Find more columns by Tom here.

— I arrived home from work Thursday night feeling a little out of sorts and realized I’d made the classic error of allowing the inclement weather to knock me out of my exercise routine, which is inconsistent even in the best of atmospheric conditions.

When mud season has you down, one of the best remedies is heavy breathing. But all too often, the same weather that gave you the dirty rotten snow-for-Easter blues becomes an excuse for staying on the couch and watching that chowhound who hosts “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” — Guy Ferrari or whatever his name is. Have you seen how quickly that guy can snarf a Philly cheesesteak?

Anyway, when I pulled into the driveway the other night, the weather was spritzing. Which is a polite way to say it was a miserable crapstorm of rain, snow and wind. Little did I know that by 11 p.m. I would be startled from a dream by snunder and wightning.

If you lay your head down on a pillow on the west side of Steamboat every night you already know what I’m talking about. We experienced that rare meteorological event Thursday, an electrical storm in the middle of a snow event. Hence, snunder and wightning

The wightning was close enough to my work force housing unit to cause a momentary power outage in our bedroom and reset both alarm clocks to midnight before they resumed tick-tocking off the minutes.

Then at about 3 a.m., I rolled over and looked at the clock, which now read 5:30 a.m. or thereabouts. Determined to resume an early morning exercise routine that would banish my moral turpitude and restore my rosy outlook on life, I flung off the covers and staggered into the kitchen only to notice that the real clocks read 3:05 a.m. It was a little too early to begin a yoga routine, so I went back to bed — grumpy.

But I remain determined to get back to regular exercise. And if it’s not out of place, I’d like to offer some exercise suggestions that might help you through the rest of mud season.

The first thing you should do is use your credit card rewards points to purchase an airline ticket to Miami. When you get there, go straight to South Beach and go for a long jog. If the scenery doesn’t lift your spirits, seek immediate medical attention.

If you previously cut up your credit card with pruning shears in October 2009, your next best bet is doggie-cize. Stand about 14 inches from your slumbering pet and making sure your feet are shoulder width apart, bend deeply at the knees until you can cradle the animal in your arms.

Making certain to keep your back straight, rise to an upright position and perform three sets of dog-squats. Then, hoist the pooch over your shoulders and wrap all four legs together in front of your sternum. Holding the four paws in place with your left arm (if you’re a lefty), step forward with your right leg into a deep lunge. Continue lunging on alternate legs until the dog barks or barfs, whichever comes first.

Or, if you prefer, you could just take the dog for a walk.

What’s that? Your dog left you in November 2009?

In that case, you have permission to resort to two-fisted drinking. A 1.5-liter bottle in each fist will quickly transform your pathetic biceps into impressive guns. You can attempt tricep curls but that makes the drinking part harder.

Seriously — fresh air and exercise this weekend will do wonders for your attitude and chase the mud season blues away. So take a walk on the Yampa River Core Trail, ride your bike around the neighborhood between snow squalls or put climbing skins on your Tele skis and climb up to the Christie summit for a few more powder turns.

I know, that’s not your mindset.

Green grass, new leaves and blooming flowers are right around the corner. I promise.

To reach Tom Ross, call 970-871-4205 or email tross@SteamboatToday.com

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