Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Find more columns by Palmer here.
He’s done it again.
In a futile attempt to keep me away from his Halloween candy, my son has issued a restraining order against me. Boo-ya!
It’s an annual event. As if the threat of jail time is going to keep me away from his Reese’s. I’ve heard the Routt County Jail is pretty nice. And the thought of a little down time is appealing. I wouldn’t have to cook, clean or go to work. I could just lay around in my bunk eating the Reese’s I’d smuggle in. As far as I know, the jail has a metal detector, not a candy detector.
Clearly, I have failed as a parent. He will not — I repeat, not — share his Halloween candy with me. I do not want all of it. I just want a couple or 30 Reese’s. I never crave a Tootsie Roll. I never crave a Kit Kat or even M&M’s. But I do crave Reese’s almost daily.
My son is pretty nice to me 11 months of the year. But during the haunted month of October he goes commando crazy and turns into a curmudgeon.
After considerable thought, I don’t think this is an issue we are going to be able to resolve ourselves so this year, I think we are going to have to use a mediator to get through this difficult time of year.
Mediator: Miss Palmer, if at any time you need to excuse yourself for a chocolate break, please let us know.
Me: Who me? I never crave chocolate.
Mediator: Miss Palmer. Do you or do you not conduct secret raids on your son’s Halloween candy?
Me: Perish the thought. I am going to take the Fifth Amendment on that.
Mediator: Miss Palmer, taking the Fifth Amendment only works in a court of law. This is not a court of law, I am just trying to find a solution that works for everyone involved.
Me: If he gets a restraining order, I get a search warrant.
Mediator: Just answer the question. Do you or do you not raid your son’s Halloween candy?
Me: Like any good mother, I am concerned for the health and well-being of my son. If he eats all of that candy, he’s impossible to live with while he’s jacked up on sugar. And his teeth will be riddled with cavities.
Mediator: You are evading the question, Miss Palmer. Do you or do you not help yourself to your son’s Halloween candy?
Me: I can’t remember.
Mediator: Miss Palmer, let me show you a short video taken with a CandyCam on Nov. 1, 2009. Do you recognize yourself crawling across the floor on your belly to get to a plastic pumpkin hidden under your son’s bed?
Me: Seriously, a CandyCam? He set up a CandyCam in his room? That’s low.
Mediator: Yes, Miss Palmer. My client had to resort to using a CandyCam to prevent you from raiding his Halloween candy.
Me: I don’t recognize myself. That person is dressed head-to-toe in black and wearing night-vision goggles.
Mediator: This year I hear he’s rigging up a trip wire with six paintball guns aimed at the door.
Me: No problem. I have a ladder and can come in through the window. I have plenty of tricks to get to my treats.