In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.
Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at email@example.com
Find more columns by Palmer here.
Today, Apple executives announced a new product line for pets. iPaw and iMeow, revolutionary new cell phones for pets, will be released Nov. 1, in time for holiday shopping. Apple CEO Steve Jobs issued the following statement, “We are excited to extend the Apple product line to pets. I wanted my corgi, Radar, and my two Siamese cats, Saki and Tumi, to have access to the latest technology. I am particularly excited about the animal translation software included in each phone that will decode barks and meows. Finally we will all know if woof-woof means ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I’m sick.’”
Here is a sneak preview of the first two phones in the animal lineup.
iPaw. An all-touch-screen phone small enough to be clipped onto a dog’s collar. Bark-activated software will allow your dog to call his canine companions instantly. The default “Bow-ser” will be Google and offer a free cat GPS locator to allow a dog to locate and chase all neighborhood cats right up the closest tree. The GPS will allow dogs to find leash-free dog parks, nice vets and dog-friendly lodging.
The iPaw will offer thousands of free applications sure to appeal to dogs and their owners, such as these:
■ iShed — a free app that prevents your pet from shedding.
■ iShop — free price comparisons on dog treats, rawhide chews and canned dog food.
■ iPoop — download free pick-up bags.
■ iExercise — paw-dometer records distance traveled and calories burned. Upload your achievements on DogBook.
■ iFlea — free preventative treatment for fleas and ticks.
■ iFlush — virtual toilet bowl for drinking.
■ iYard — virtual backyard for digging and burying bones.
■ Paw-dora — free music will be streamed and feature such popular hits as “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and “Hound Dog.”
Free game apps will include but not be limited to: Fetch, Roll Over, Play Dead, Beg, Sit, and Chase Me, Chase Me, Chase Me.
Cases will be camo-colored and offered in three scents: bacon, roadkill and beef.
Your dog will be able to download and watch these movie classics: “Lassie,” “Old Yeller,” “Benji,” “Turner and Hooch,” “Homeward Bound” and “Marley and Me.”
■ Free calendar app will come preloaded with neighborhood-specific garbage and recycling days.
iMeow will feature a pre-loaded Garfield screen saver. Phone can convert easily into a litter box. Since cats are a little more aloof, the iMeow is not designed to be worn on a collar but rather will rest on a leopard-print stand next to the cat’s bed.
■ iNip — catnip-scented app for self-medicating.
■ Purr-dora — allows cats to stream their favorite music, including the Meow Mix music theme song and, of course, “What’s New, Pussycat?”
■ iTuna — notifies all cats of fish leftovers in trash cans within a 10-mile radius of their house.
■ iCream — virtual bowl of cream.
■ iNocturnal — this application lets cats know the time the sun rises and sets each day … as if they would need it.
■ iHunt will be included with the phone, with preloaded birdcalls and mouse squeaks for hunting ease. Night vision app will facilitate stalking by locating mouse holes and hidden birds’ nests.
■ Camera is 8 megapixels and instantly uploads pictures of hunting triumphs to ClawTube.
■ iLive — close brushes with death are recorded so you and your cat know how many of his nine lives have been lived.
■ iRx — online veterinarian resource for hair balls and other cat maladies.
Future animal phones in development include iQuill for porcupines; iQuack for ducks; iSwim for fish, iScreech for owls, iNut for squirrels; iCroak for frogs; iShoe for horses; iRattle for snakes and iHop for rabbits.