Steamboat Springs Announcer: Good evening and welcome to the final show of “Dancing with the Snowflakes,” Steamboat Springs’ newest reality TV show. Tonight’s final will feature a competition between three residents attempting to clear the snow from a 120-yard driveway. Wait! Just a minute, someone is interrupting me. Bristol Palin! What are you doing here?
Bristol Palin: I just finished on “Dancing with the Stars,” and I’m ready to compete again.
Announcer: Well, Bristol, this is just for Steamboat residents, and last I knew, you live in Alaska.
Bristol Palin: Exactly. Alaska gets even more snow than Steamboat, so I know I can win this.
Announcer: Thanks Bristol, but we’re keeping it local. And now, give a big hand and warm welcome to couple No. 1: The Eco-Shovelers. These longtime locals are going back to basics. They have wrapped themselves head to toe in a newly created product called SnowStick. Couple No. 1, tell us about your invention.
Eco-Shovelers: We found a new way to recycle beetle-killed wood. We grind up the wood and mix it with a special blend of Velcro and duct tape. Then, we apply it to our snowsuits, which are made from Routt County wool. Then, we roll in the snow, and the snow sticks to our suits. No fossil fuels are used, and we aren’t destroying the ozone layer. That’s about all we can say because we are trying to patent it. Everything is made in the USA, and we can’t wait to demonstrate it. We’re ready.
Announcer: Um, one question. How do you get the snow off your suits?
Eco-Shovelers: Oh, easy. We jump up and down. That way, we get our ski conditioning workout in, too. After all, this is Steamboat, the best skiing in the world.
Announcer: Let’s turn up the music and get things rolling for the Eco- Shovelers! This is amazing. In just 60 seconds, Couple No. 1 was able to roll 25 yards, but unfortunately, they can’t get the snow off their suits. Seems like Couple No. 1 will have to go back to the drawing board and refine their idea. Just a minute, someone is tugging on my sleeve. Seriously, Bristol the answer is, “no.”
Bristol Palin: Can I be a judge?
Announcer: No, we have one ski patroller, a snowplow driver and Billy Kidd, of course. Speaking of judges, let’s check on the scores for the Eco-Shovelers. For those of you new to the show, contestants are scored on a 10-point scale, and 10 is the highest they can get.
Judges: The judges have conferred, and even though the Eco-Shovelers did not complete the course, we are awarding them 9 points for their innovative green idea.
Announcer: Couple No. 2. The Deere Duo. Wait! Isn’t a John Deere ride-on snow tractor a little over the top for a 120 yards?
Deere Duo: We want to win. We want to win. We want to win.
Eco-Shovelers: Go green. Go Green. Go green.
Bristol Palin: I want to compete. I want to compete. I want to compete.
Announcer: On your mark, get set, go!
Announcer: Yes, the Deere Duo has completed the course in ten seconds. They are now in first place. Judges, are you ready with your scores?
Judges: Yes. Once again the judges have conferred. Although the Deere Duo had the fastest time and successfully completed the course, we had to cover our ears because it was so loud. Therefore we give them 7.5.
Announcer: Ouch! Harsh. The next and last contestants are the Shovel Sisters. These girls are what … dressed in bikinis to shovel?
Shovel Sisters: Yes! We are wearing the new Paris Hilton designed heated bikini swimwear line and carrying heated snow shovels. It melts the snow as we shovel, and we get an amazing workout, too. Did you know that you can burn as many as 1,000 calories every time you shovel?
Announcer: Are you sure about that?
Shovel Sisters: Oh yes. Because your body has to work harder to stay warm, you burn more calories.
Bristol Palin: I want a bikini. I want a bikini. I want a bikini.
Announcer: Adios, Bristol! Ok, Shovel Sisters. Let’s see what you’ve got. Ladies are you ready?
Shovel Sisters: Brrrrrr, weeeeeee, areeeee, frozzzzzen.
Announcer: Sorry folks. The Shovel Sisters are frozen in place and are disqualified.
That means the prize — a lifetime season pass to Steamboat Ski Area — goes to the Eco-Shovlers.
Bristol Palin: I’ll try again next year.