In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

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In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

Joanne Palmer: Football, I'm just not into you

Sorry, Broncos, but I don't care about your season

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Joanne Palmer

Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at jpalmer@springsips.com

Find more columns by Palmer here.

"Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying."

- George Carlin

"I do not like football, which I think of as a game in which two tractors approach each other from opposite directions and collide. Besides, I have contempt for a game in which players have to wear so much equipment. Men play basketball in their underwear, which seems just right to me."

-Anna Quindlen, "Living Out Loud"

The Denver Broncos are undefeated! Last week, they trounced the Patriots in overtime, 20-17. Go Broncos!

Ho-hum. Yawn. Snooze.

Lock me up. Throw away the key. Revoke my Colorado driver's license. I don't like football. I don't watch football. I am not a Broncos fan.

Please don't hate me.

Despite the fact that I'm not a fan, I do know a couple of important things about the game. Here is a quick overview, a snapshot, a soupcon of what I know:

The guy at the bottom of the pile o' players usually has the ball. When the announcer says there are 10 seconds left in the game, don't believe him. It means nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The game could easily drag on another two hours.

Oh, here is the most important thing I know, so please, pay attention. If, in a work situation, you are ever asked to "quarterback a project," that means you are in charge of it. If you want to sound jock-y and smart, you can reply, "No problem. I'll take the ball and run with it."

As of this writing, the garage at my house has been converted into a man cave for the sole purpose of watching football, which, by the way, is not just limited to Sundays. There is this thing called Monday Night Football, too. In the space where I used to park are a couch, a flat-screen TV, a beanbag chair, a red armchair and a couple of card tables. The card table that tilts is supported by my son's sneaker. Once the game begins, my precious parking space fills up with testosterone, frozen pizza, buffalo wings, beer and pretzels. The sound of the TV is frequently interrupted by war whoops and scary shouts of:

Interception!

Touchdown!

GET. RID. OF. IT.

There may be a few other non-football people like me, but I think they are afraid to come forward for fear that their American citizenship will be revoked. So I am alone. An outcast. A pariah.

Because everyone except me is watching football, there is no one to call, no one to hang out with and, worst of all, no scurrilous gossip to exchange. Left to my own devices, here are the 10 things I typically do during game time:

1. Push back my cuticles.

2. Check dryer vent for lint.

3. Massage cream into my scaly skin around my elbows.

4. Sort silverware.

5. Annoy the dog by checking her ears for waxy buildup and pulling crusty "sleep" from her eyes.

6. Try to improve my Scrabble score by memorizing high-scoring words such as "quizzically" (43 points), "liquidize" (28 points) and "unvindicate" (28 points).

7. Dig through recycling containers for recipes I dog-eared in magazines.

8. Check for gray hairs. Pluck or pull out. Vigorously.

9. Download forms to create My Last Will and Testament. Get depressed. Turn over couch cushions to search for loose change so I have something to bequeath. Get more depressed.

10. Rethink my position on football. Maybe it isn't so bad. Maybe it's time to buy "Football for Dummies." I may be able to get through a chapter or two before Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 7, 2010.

Comments

JustSomeJoe 4 years, 11 months ago

The base value for quizzically should be 33 points, as you would have to use a blank for one of the Zs, and of course, someone would have had to play quiz for you in the first place. Adding zically to quiz would also net you a fifty point "bingo" bonus. Would be a great play. You are better off memorizing the list of 2 letter words allowed in scrabble. Much easier to remember and you play them more. Everybody loves it when you play XU.

Don't worry about Freerider, his mom didn't hug him much when he was a child.

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bandmama 4 years, 11 months ago

Joanne- ignore freerider! I agree with JustSomeJoe, he needs a hug. (or more pizza?) You are not alone. Appreciate the Man Cave, there is one at my house also. It keeps the Man Cave Men out of the main house.

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JustSomeJoe 4 years, 11 months ago

freerider - what's the point of being mean here? It's not like seeuski is posting here.

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bandmama 4 years, 11 months ago

Freerider- violins are NOT for football fans....try the tuba!!!!! With the ENTIRE marching band......at half time.

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Brian Kotowski 4 years, 11 months ago

I thought Janet Jackson's mammary was for football fans.

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bandmama 4 years, 11 months ago

Ok, know I will get beat up for this, cant resist... Aren't ALL mammary type thingys for football fans?????

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freerider 4 years, 11 months ago

Hey Bandmama .....who said I'm a football fan ..?? I just don't like stupid sarcastic article's by Joanne Palmer ...she is neither funny or entertaining .. I don't watch football either , but I don't post stupid sarcastic article's about it...I go skiing instead or just about anything else...maybe Joanne needs a hug or some pizza or maybe she should try to write something that's actually funny instaed of watching football ...you would think 3 hours would be enough

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bandmama 4 years, 11 months ago

WOW.... Freerider- some of us do enjoy the articles Joanne writes, adds a bit of humour to our days, if you dont agree or like or dont find it entertaining, it is very simple, dont read it, just skip over it and go on to the next entertaining article in the Pilot, ok? I am willing to bet that Joanne would be the first one to accept a hug, pizza or an afternoon skiing. Have you ever attended anger management? Chill dude. And I promise, no one will hug you or offer you pizza anymore. Feel better?

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beverly lemons 4 years, 11 months ago

Joanne-While all our friends watch football and freerider pouts, we can go ski while eating pizza and hugging. Is it a date?

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