Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
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Steamboat Springs Dear President Obama, I am feeling a little ho-hum about our national holidays. They are a great time to get paid not to work, unless you are self-employed like me, in which case you get to enjoy not working and not getting paid. And so, I am writing to you, Mr. President, to say it's time for some new national holidays. After all, a lot of our holidays are commemorating dudes, I mean, men, such as Columbus, Martin Luther King Jr. and presidents, so how about some holidays women can relate to? I know you have been busy with the economy, health care reform, the housing crisis and bailouts, but if you could just take a moment and consider these suggestions for some new national holidays, I'd really appreciate it.
- National No House Project Day
Here is the sad truth about house projects. They are a thinly veiled excuse for one person to nag another person to accomplish some boring, mundane task around the house. The head house project honcho gets carte blanche to make numerous trips to the hardware store and spend twice the amount of money it would have cost to hire the project out. Because while the head honcho is at the hardware store to buy a washer, drill bit or a bolt, the head honcho is likely to find a sale on thingamabobs, gizmos or whatchamacallits the head honcho can't live without.
Months later, the house project that originally was estimated to take "a few minutes" is completed, and then guess what? It's time for another project. Imagine a day when there are no house projects! All hardware stores will be closed. There will be no sound of spackling, scraping or sanding. No painting, plastering or pounding. No jiggling latches to be fixed, no pictures to hang or dripping faucets to repair.
- National No Snoring Night
Mr. President, if you can make this happen, I guarantee every woman in America will vote for you in 2012. They will love not being jolted awake by middle-of-the-night trumpeting, snorting and honking. The sweet, sweet sound of silence. A truly peaceful night of uninterrupted sleep. Ah, bliss!
- National No Calorie Day
A free food pass. Finally, for a short period of time, you can have your cake and eat it, too : without worrying about gaining weight. No guilt. No early morning trips to the gym. No fasting or fad diets. So go ahead, head down to your favorite BBQ joint, ice cream stand or all-you-can-eat buffet.
- National No Texting Day
Teenagers across the country will despair, but parents will rejoice at being able to look their children in the eyes and carry on an actual conversation. IMHO, texting has gotten out of hand. Recently, a 15-year-old girl from Iowa won $50,000 for being able to text the following faster and more accurately, with all the correct punctuation and capitalization, than her competitors: "Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy ... MY oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin' my way. ... Zippitty Do Dah Zippity Aay! WondeRful Feeling Wonderful day!"
- National Trade Places With A Rock Star Day
OK, I know it's a stretch, but you have to admit it would be memorable and fun to be your favorite rock star for one day. My pick: Tina Turner. Please, please let me sing, "Proud Mary" just one time, in one concert. Tina is 69 years young, and I have a feeling she'll like being me for a day, too.
Thank you, Mr. President, for considering my suggestions.