Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Find more columns by Palmer here.
Steamboat Springs Hear ye, hear ye! By the power vested in me - lone female columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today - I pronounce you, the great residents of Steamboat Springs, worry-free. Yes, worry-free. I know it sounds too good to be true, but folks, the renowned Dr. Von Fleaburg and I have once again teamed up to create a revolutionary new product: The Brain Zapper. While awaiting FDA approval and our patent, I am not at liberty to divulge the technical aspects of this device. But, I can assure you of three things:
- It is a painless procedure.
- Results are immediate and long-lasting.
- It can be done in the privacy of your own home.
The Brain Zapper restores your brain to optimal speed by eliminating the miscellaneous detritus ricocheting inside your sexy little lobes. Have you laid awake at night wondering how to work this week while your children are off from school? Have you struggled to get rid of old grudges, old arguments and old memories of how much money you made before the real estate market crashed? Are you confused about the bank bailout, economic stimulus package and, more important, what to make for dinner?
Help is here! Pick up your phone to order the Brain Zapper today, and you will be on your way to a long and peaceful night's sleep.
My friends and I have tried this amazing new device, and we are living proof that it works. Here are 10 things we have zapped from our tired, overworked brains.
1. Zapped! Thigh anxiety. I freed up 85.89 percent of brain space by getting rid of all of my hateful thigh thoughts. I know I am not alone because one of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott, has gone so far as to nickname her thighs "The Aunties." However, I do not want to be on a first-name basis with my thighs. I just want to stop thinking about them.
2. Zapped! Dog guilt. What a relief to get rid of all the guilt I feel when I leave my dog home alone during the day.
3. Zapped! All thoughts of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. This issue - eye-candy for men and I'll-never-eat-candy again for women - should be outlawed from the newsstands. Other than steamed veggies, it is painfully obvious these swimsuit models have never enjoyed any culinary delights in their entire anorexic lives.
4. Zapped! Bye-bye to the periodic table of the elements, the formula for pi, and the names of all the old battles and wars memorized in high school for this trying trio of classes: chemistry, math and history.
5. Zapped! Calorie content of all Valentine chocolates and Girl Scout cookies.
6. Zapped! Brain chatter about nonessential items. Here are a few examples from this morning:
"OK, I have five pairs of reading glasses. Where are they?"
"No, no more chocolate!"
"What am I going to make for dinner that isn't expensive?"
"How can I be hungry? I just ate."
"I gotta exercise, I gotta exercise : but I need to clean the bathrooms first. Oh yeah, what about laundry?"
"Is it time for chocolate yet?"
7. Zapped! Imbedded reruns of "Bewitched," "Petticoat Junction" and "Gilligan's Island."
8. Zapped! Song lyrics. Finally there is relief for the song lyrics that replay over and over in your head. This is particularly important for people who work in the child care profession because they could be stuck humming, "The wheels of the bus go round and round" forever.
9. Zapped! The spacey part of my brain that can't remember where my car is parked, why I came upstairs or what I did with my property tax bill, cell phone or W-2 forms.
10. Zapped! Recycling guilt. Bless me, landfill, for I have sinned. I put an aluminum can in the trash instead of the recycling container. It will never happen again.
Now that I've freed up so much space in my brain, perhaps I can stop stressing out, be less preoccupied and live more fully in the moment.
Or, maybe I can just figure out what to make for dinner tonight.