In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

File photo

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

Joanne Palmer: Pigging out for Christmas

Advertisement

Joanne Palmer

Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at jpalmer@springsips.com

Find more columns by Palmer here.

This is the time of year when I scour the Internet for outlandish gift ideas that hopefully will make for interesting reading, so here we go.

I never thought I’d have anything in common with Paris Hilton — especially a pig. But Paris has purchased a porker, and I want one, too.

As you might imagine, these are not barnyard pigs, but tiny teacup pigs that carry a pretty price tag of $4,500. These little potbellied pigs top out at about 30 pounds, and one would look especially cute underneath my Christmas tree with a red ribbon tied around its little porky neck, but I’m not going to hold out hope of getting one.

Althought I’m absolutely not a fan of Paris Hilton, I am a big, huge, over-the-top fan of Nora Ephron. For a mere $200,000, I could have dinner with her and other cool, creative types at the Algonquin Hotel in New York City. The dinner is one of the extravagant offerings in this year’s Neiman-Marcus catalog.

The other high-ticket items in the catalog I could easily pass on, such as the $105,000 2010 XJL Jaguar (terrible in snow, I’m sure) and the $250,000 ICON A5 sport aircraft.

And I have absolutely no interest in spending $7,500 on the Maker’s Mark Master Distiller Experience, which according to the hype, includes, “golden bottles etched with your likeness and dipped in gold wax with 24-karat gold flecks.”

Yuck.

I have a hard enough time looking at myself in the mirror every morning. Gazing at my waxy golden wrinkles on a bottle of whiskey might lead directly to over-sampling of the product.

But, if I were as wealthy as Paris Hilton, I would pack up my little piggy and head to the ultimate dinner party in the Big Apple. I’d have a delightful time dining with Nora, Christopher Buckley, Roz Chast, Malcolm Gladwell, Henry Louis Gates Jr., Adam Gopnik, John Lithgow, Anna Deavere Smith and George Stephanopoulos.

Because my little piggy and I would be tired and dirty from hobnobbing in New York, I’d need to come home and watch Nora’s new movie, “Julie and Julia” while soaking in my new, two-person $5,700 luxury bathtub from DiVapor. Yes, it now is possible to safely watch TV on a 17-inch LCD screen in the bathtub, which, depending on the movie, may or may not be relaxing. My skin might not be the only thing that was pickled if, while soaking, I sipped on the trendy new “healthy” holiday cocktail, the Pomegranate antioxidant cocktail — a blend of pomegranate juice and VeeV, an acai berry alcohol.

What will marketers think of next?

Fart candles. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, candles for men are getting some play this holiday season. These candles (aka mandles) have macho scents such as: football, fart, French fry, sawdust, fishing dock and garage.

Here is the copy for the garage candle from the Web site, www.originalmancandle.com: Are you at work and wishing you were working on your truck at home instead? Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone, with the Garage candle from Original Man Candle you will experience all the motor oil and greasy goodness without getting your shirt dirty. The Garage candle can turn your office from boring to roaring with just one match.

Men! Such curious creatures — daydreaming about the garage while at work.

Not me. While I’m at work, I’ll be thinking about my pig.

Oink, oink and happy shopping!

Comments

Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Requires free registration

Posting comments requires a free account and verification.