In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at email@example.com
Find more columns by Palmer here.
About five minutes after the phrase, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" burst onto the scene, I was tired of it. The book came out in 1993, and for the past 15 years, it's been used ad nauseum to explain the difference between the sexes. So imagine my great delight when one of my favorite friends shared her new analogy with me.
Drum roll, please.
Women are spaghetti and men are waffles with syrup and butter.
I will be the first to admit to being a noodle brain. Everything in my brain is intertwined, interwoven, intermingled, just like a pot of spaghetti noodles. I am consistently amazed that my boyfriend can follow my train of thought. I can spin a 10-minute yarn out of one trip to the grocery store. He's too polite and knows me too well to ask, "What's the point?" (He knows full well there may not be a point).
Instead, he'll just suffer patiently until the story ends.
Men's brains have tidy compartments. They organize their lives into little squares and sweeten it with syrup and butter. Here's the breakdown.
Work = one compartment.
Broncos = eight compartments.
Sex = 234 compartments if the Broncos win, 222 if they lose.
Despite the fact we have a catchy new phrase to explain the differences between the sexes, finding solutions to co-habitating with Waffle Man isn't always easy, or funny. And so, my friend and I sat down to brainstorm solutions to the five most common problems in relationships.
Problem No. 1: Bodily functions, aka "Beano moment," or "Cutting the cheese."
Solution: A closet.
I have it on good authority that one local woman has designated a closet in her house just for cheese-cutting. Furthermore, she has somehow trained her husband to have his Beano moments in this closet behind closed doors. This is remarkable. She needs to write a training manual. She gets two thumbs up from me.
Problem No. 2: Finances.
Solution: Me money.
It is imperative all women have me money. This is not money you siphon out of the household funds but money you get unexpectedly, such as a refund check, a bonus from work, or money you receive for your birthday. Then when you need an indulgence, a pick-me-up or a little retail therapy, it is right there in a sock under your mattress.
Problem No. 3: Snoring.
Solution: When it starts to sound like a fighter jet is dive-bombing the airspace above your pillow, there is only one acceptable solution. Earplugs. Not just any earplugs but industrial strength earplugs.
Head to the nearest store that sells hunting gear and ask to see their earplug selection. Although you may be tempted to buy a firearm instead, just buy the strongest set of earplugs they provide. If that doesn't work, see solution to problem No. 1 listed above.
Problem No. 4: Toenail clippings and other personal grooming habits.
Solution: I don't know about you, but finding a pile of scalloped toenail clippings or black nose hairs in the sink does not brighten my day.
The solution to this one is easy. Separate bathrooms, or at least separate sinks. If this isn't possible, see solution to problem No. 1 listed above.
Problem No. 5: Stealing the covers.
Solution: If your mate turns over to sleep on his side and all of the covers roll with him and away from you, there is only one thing to do. Buy some Velcro and attach one end to your blanket and the other to the shoulder of your pajamas. If this doesn't work, see solution to problem No. 1 listed above.
I hope this helps solve some of your domestic dilemmas.
If not, see solution to problem No. 1 listed above.