In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

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In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

Joanne Palmer: Snoops need more scoops

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Joanne Palmer

Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at jpalmer@springsips.com

Find more columns by Palmer here.

The best daily entertainment in Steamboat Springs is The Record in the Steamboat Pilot & Today - a daily chronology of police, fire and ambulance calls. Admit it. I read it; you read it; we all read it.

What could be more entertaining, more diverting than learning about other people's problems? Finally, a chance to be a bit of a voyeur, the nosy neighbor or snoop you've always wanted to be. And besides, sometimes it's downright funny. Here are some oldies but goodies:

- Red Trailblazer versus Ski Corp. sign on Mount Werner Circle.

- Woman yelling as if in pain on Broad Street. Officers determined it was a pregnant woman in labor.

- Two lawn deer stolen sometime during the night.

- 11:05 a.m. Boy reports bike stolen.

- 12:10 p.m. Boy reports bike found.

But, but, but! There's not enough of it. The record gives just a snippet, a tidbit, a tiny morsel of what occurred and then leaves you hanging. Here's an example: Theft was reported in the 1300 block of Memphis Belle Court. Police gave a warning.

What was taken? Why was it taken? What do you mean, a warning? "Put back that flower pot, you schnook?" Why would they only give a warning; why not recover the property? We'll never know.

- 8:41 a.m. A suspicious incident was reported at 12th and Merritt streets.

At that hour in the morning, it's hard to imagine what could be going on. A ferret escaped from its cage? A fox peeked in the window?

One day there was an entry like this:

- 9:05 a.m. A woman lost something somewhere in Steamboat. A report was taken.

Finally, a solution to my lost red kitchen scissors! I'm calling the police. I've been looking for them for months. And, yes, I already bought a new pair just to ensure the old pair would show up, but it didn't. On a daily basis, I am broken-hearted I have lost these scissors. If the police would like to come over and look, they are more than welcome.

Bears also make the Record in Steamboat Springs. At this time of year, bear sightings pop up almost daily. Were they brown bears, black bears, honey bears? Did they growl, bare their teeth, show their claws? Was it a mama bear and her baby? C'mon now, we need more detail than just: "A woman saw a bear on Butcherknife Alley."

Was she 50 feet away when she saw it? Was the bear foraging for berries? Did the bear think she was a berry?

Note to P.D. and editor of this very newspaper. We need more. We want the dirt, the lowdown, the full scoop. Not this CliffsNotes version of things.

We'd be happy with something like this:

- 8:10 p.m. A noise complaint was reported in the 1800 block of Hunters Drive. When police arrived they found a 42-year-old woman beating on her cluster mailbox and screaming, "My stimulus check from the IRS still hasn't arrived." Officers escorted her home, advised her to take a sedative and get horizontal on the couch.

Comments

katrinkakelly 6 years, 5 months ago

Do not make me cry, this is too funny!

I better get horizontal or hang out in the berries.

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katrinkakelly 6 years, 5 months ago

Jonanne, thank you for making light of the nutcases on The Record!

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raver 6 years, 5 months ago

My all time favorite was the woman who reported a burglar in her home,the officers determined a pickle jar had fallen off a shelf!too funny!

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CoJustice 6 years, 5 months ago

The duck taken into custody is my all time favorite. The call to the police for someone not using their turn signal is right at the top also. Thanks for this story.

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424now 6 years, 5 months ago

Maybe we are heading toward a better time and place. From today's Report,

9:27 p.m. Sheriff's Office deputies assisted a motorist near mile marker 143 on U.S. 40, near the west summit of Rabbit Ears Pass.

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dogd 6 years, 5 months ago

The "suspicious activity-people shoveling a roof" is hall-of -fame material. I think that I'm getting close to tracking down the identity of the legendary caller.

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