In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

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In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at booklocker.com or amazon.com.

Joanne Palmer: Warning signs of cabin fever

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Joanne Palmer

Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at jpalmer@springsips.com

Find more columns by Palmer here.

If the four walls of your house seem to be closing in on you, and you can't remember the last time you smiled you may be suffering from cabin fever, winter doldrums, January blahs, seasonal affective disorder or all of the above. Symptoms of cabin fever include, but are not limited to, doubling the amount of movies you order from Netflix, tripling the amount of ice cream in your freezer and quadrupling your wine and chocolate consumption.

To find out, take the following quiz (please use a number 2 pencil). If a pencil is unavailable, find an icicle.

If you circle "A" to one or more questions, throw your snow shovel in the dumpster and head for the closest beach.

1. After looking at the thermometer to discover it's minus 15 (never mind the wind chill factor):

A. Throw the thermometer in a snow bank.

B. Throw yourself in a snow bank.

C. Cry and watch the icicles form on your cheeks.

D. Buy a one-way ticket to Florida.

2. Have you noticed any changes in your weight?

A. Dunno. The scale is in the snow bank with the thermometer.

B. My sweatpants have gained 15 pounds, not me.

C. Don't bother me, I'm eating.

3. Have there been any changes in your sleep pattern?

A. Don't wake me up. I'm still hibernating.

B. My dog won't let them change.

C. I can't sleep because the snowplow wakes me up.

D. I wake up a 5 a.m. with a strong urge to migrate.

4. When you think about mud season, do you:

A. Weep for joy.

B. Have the phone number for central reservations in Moab, Utah, on speed dial.

C. Visit a tattoo parlor and have "Beach Baby" tattooed on your forehead.

5. In the nightly wine vs. workout debate, what triumphs?

A. I choose to work out over drinking wine 90 percent of the time.

B. Where is the gym?

C. You are on a first-name basis at every liquor store in town.

D. I moved my exercise bike into the liquor store.

6. What is your screen saver?

A. Picture of Tahiti.

B. Picture of Jonny Moseley crashing through the bumps.

C. Can't find my computer. It's buried underneath a week's worth of long underwear.

7. Are you in favor of adding an anti-depressant to the city water supply?

A. No thanks; I have it in I.V. form.

B. No, I drink a quart of water from the Lithium Springs daily.

C. Hurry up, what are you waiting for?

8. When a tourist kindly and sweetly asks you for directions, do you:

A. Kindly and sweetly give them accurate directions.

B. Tell them to get back on the direct flight they came in on.

C. Send them the opposite direction from where they're going.

D. Both B and C.

9. Have you been more irritable than usual in the past week?

A. Shut up, stop asking stupid questions.

B. My neighbor's pit bull, "Fang," cowers when he sees me.

C. FedEx is afraid to ask for my signature.

10. What percent of your time do you spend on the computer looking for cheap flights to warm weather destinations?

A. I told you I can't find my computer!

B. None of the time.

C. What time is it?

11. To ward off boredom, do you:

A. Drive 50 miles to visit the newest big box store.

B. Lay prostrate on your heated floors for hours.

C. Watch reruns of Hawaii Five-0 while soaking in the bathtub.

12. At 4 p.m. do you declare it:

A. Pajama hour.

B. Cocktail hour.

C. Dinner hour.

D. All of the above.

13.What music is on your iPod?

A. Jimmy Buffet on a continuous loop.

B. Jimmy Buffet on a continuous loop.

C. Both A and B.

Comments

local1 6 years, 10 months ago

That was wonderful! I needed it as well! Especially the 4 p.m. do you declare it: a. pajama hour, b. cocktail hour, c. dinner hour, d. all of the above. Definitely all of the above!

I think the City should give all their snowplow drivers and their families a paid vacation to the tropics after this winter. I've forgotten what my husband looks like! He could be that exhausted grumpy man that crawls in bed with me everynight!

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mud 6 years, 10 months ago

Do these articles remind anyone else of the "Family Circus" comic?

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