Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
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Steamboat Springs Down at the local barbecue stand (campaign headquarters for the Fat Fairy), we caught up for a quick Q&A session with the candidate. Over a rack of ribs and fries, she weighed in on her "No Thigh Left Behind" campaign - a controversial program to put 20 pounds on every American.
Q. Fat Fairy, recent polls show you with a substantial lead over your opponent, Anorexic Adam. Can you explain your appeal, particularly among women?
A. Diet is a four-letter word and everyone knows it. It may be the only thing everyone in this country can agree on! While campaigning in New Hampshire, I met a woman, Sally Sherbet, who told me she had tried 15 diets and failed every single one. Fifteen! She only wanted to lose 10 pounds, and she couldn't do it. Sally is not alone. The truth about diets is that 95 percent of people who start one fail. Why? Because they don't work. Who can survive on 1,200 calories a day? Who wants to eat rabbit food - carrots, celery and lettuce all day? Who wants to weigh portions and do food exchanges?
I am here to give women like Sally Sherbet hope. I don't want her to feel like a failure anymore. I say, fat is the new fit. Thin is not in. Love yourself for who you are.
Q. Fat Fairy, what is the biggest problem you see facing our great nation?
A. Without a doubt, cellulite proliferation. This is a problem that causes women to spend hundreds of dollars on useless products, creams and scrub brushes to try and get rid of a few dimples and puckers. Some opt for expensive procedures like liposuction.
Now is the time to change the way women look at their bodies (here she actually chokes up and a tear begins to slide down her face. She wipes it away with a greasy finger.) Change is the key word of my campaign. Fat is the new fit. Thin is not in. Love yourself for who you are.
Q. Fat Fairy, what about universal health care? Do you have a plan?
A. Absolutely! Americans spend a staggering $40 billion a year on weight loss products and programs. Forty billion dollars. If consumers will send me the money they spend on diet products, I will deposit it into an interest-bearing checking account to provide universal health care for all the citizens of our great nation.
Q. How do you plan to fatten up Americans?
A. Easy. Right now, 65 percent of Americans are overweight. My plan calls for 100 percent of Americans to be overweight by the year 2010. To that end, I plan to establish a Secretary of Fried Foods and a Department of Lard. I vow to eliminate scales from all homes by the year 2011. Stop the brutal morning weigh-in! I will personally meet with the editors of every women's magazine and encourage them to stop using skinny models that don't represent the American woman. I say: You can have your cake and eat it too. Fat is the new fit!
Q. Why can't Congress get anything done?
A. They can't get anything done because they're hungry. Have you ever noticed how unhappy people get when they don't have enough fat in their diets? Dieting makes people cranky and unproductive. Fatten up those congressmen and senators. Jelly doughnuts every morning and fried chicken at lunch ought to do the trick.
Q. Fat Fairy, if you keep up your impressive lead, who do you see as a possible running mate.
A. Peter Pan, of course.