Joanne Palmer: Great Granny Garbanzo advice column

Life in the 'Boat

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Joanne Palmer

Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat column appears Wednesdays in the Steamboat Today. Email her at jpalmer@springsips.com

Find more columns by Palmer here.

I've always wanted to write an advice column. I thought it would be easy. I thought I could get some help from guy friends. I was wrong. No matter what question I posed to them their answer was the same. Sex. I reminded them I write for a family newspaper. No matter. They still couldn't come up with anything that didn't involve sex.

"Why do men only think about sex?"

"Sex."

"Why did the Rockies lose their last game?"

"Sex."

I gave up and tried to wrap my less-than-ginormous brain around some of the age-old questions that men have about women and vice-versa.

P.S. I'm using the nom de plume of the Great Granny Garbanzo. This comes from a video my son and I used to watch called "The Big Comfy Couch."

Q. Why don't men watch soap operas?

A. They do, it's called sports.

Q. Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?

A. Because they can.

Q. Why don't men talk about their feelings?

A. Because they know that whatever their feelings are at that particular moment those feelings will be the wrong feelings as far as the woman is concerned.

Q. Why do women insist on covering up their natural beauty with tons of makeup?

A. There are only two periods in a woman's life. The time when she gets carded at the liquor store, and a time after that when she's called, "Ma'am." Are men assaulted with battalions of women bearing perfume bottles bearing down on them when they walk into a department store? Are men's magazines devoted to shaping eyebrows, smoothing wrinkle lines and slimming down for swimsuit season?

Q. Why do women need 50 pair of shoes? They're not centipedes. They only have two feet.

A. Ah, I can only speculate they wish they were centipedes or perhaps they were a centipede in a past life. Maybe they've watched too many reruns of "Sex and the City." Only in Steamboat Springs can you get away with two pairs of shoes. Crocs, Keens or Chacos in summer and Sorels in winter. Or the same summer sandals with socks.

Q. What's the difference between dating and marriage?

A. When you're dating you argue, when you're married you "discuss things."

Q. What is it with men and sports? They are either participating in or watching sports.

A. Simple. Sports is the perfect excuse not to do the chores you are badgering them to do. Sports allows them to say things like: "I have to see if Tiger makes the putt." "I have to wait until the end of the first quarter." "I gotta see the cheerleaders at half-time." To move them away from the TV, you need to buy pom-poms.

Q. There is not one day of the year when some sports show isn't on TV. How is that possible?

A. Yes, watching someone wearing plaid pants try to hit a small ball into a small hole is boooooooring. This is why you need to buy those pom-poms. I can not emphasize this enough.

Q. How can men not open the refrigerator before they ask, "Where's the mustard?"

A. This is an easy one. This is a man's way of letting you know he needs you. He, of course, will never say, "My darling little cumquat, I'd never find the thing in the refrigerator that looks like a small yellow football without you." Consider this a Hallmark moment.

Q. What is it with men and the "L" word? Why don't they use it more often?

A. Men have this strange logic that goes like this, "I told you when we got married I love you. If anything changes, I'll let you know." This is not a Hallmark moment.

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