Joanne Palmer: Diary of Steamboat dogs

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Fifi La Rue, the Yorkshire terrier:

I awaken on my leopard print duvet and look up at the matching canopy that covers the four-poster bed. I lift my head from the 400-thread count pillowcase and gaze lovingly at my owner, who lies next to me. She is still asleep, I think, but it's hard to tell because she wears an eye pillow to shut out all the light. I have to wee-wee and need her to get up. I wiggle around to get close enough to give her hand a lick. She pats me on the head and rolls over. This time I lick her face. Yech! That night cream tastes terrible! Still, nothing. I have to bark. Yip! Yip! That does it, she's up.

Maisy, the lab:

"Feed me, walk me! Pet me! Pet me! Feed me, walk me! Walk, walk, walk!"

Priscilla, the pug:

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with being a pug."

Cappy, the border collie puppy:

"Look at this, a pond. What? You call it a water feature? Whatever. Any way you look at it, it's good for swimming. Kerplop! Oh, that feels so good on a hot summer day. What's that gold shiny thing? Gold fish? Cool. What? You call it a koi? Whatever. I'm going to toss it up on the ground and see what it does. What? Mom's calling me. See ya!"

Maisy, the lab:

"Oh boy! Oh boy! They're going to throw the ball. Oh boy, the ball! The ball! Oh boy, oh boy! Throw it again! Please throw it! I'll catch it! I will!"

Priscilla, the pug:

"No, I didn't just run into a sliding glass door.

Kizzy, the bearded collie:

"Ah-hem. You walked by the closet with the dog treats in them. Yoo-hoo! The dog treats! How about if I look really cute? No? Okay. How about if I stand next to the closet and cock my head? C'mon get off the computer. Quit checking your e-mail. This is important. Gosh! It's so hard to train owners. Errrgh! I'll roll over and scratch my back on the rug. Now she's looking at me. Don't give me that, "I'm writing my column" speech! I'm hungry! Give me a blasted dog treat. I watch you eat chocolate all day. And don't get me started on how many honey dijon potato chips you chow down. Get some willpower, girlfriend!"

Titus, the mutt:

"I'm so tired of these designer dogs moving to town: Yorkipoos, Puggles, Schnoodles, Buggs and Pomapoos! Stay in the big cities where you belong! Mutts rule, purebreds drool!"

Priscilla, the pug:

"Pugs are small, but mighty."

Maisy, the lab:

"Look! A mama skunk and her four babies! So cute! Let me outta the house! I gotta chase them! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!"

Kizzy, the bearded collie:

"Did you hear Zelda just had nine puppies? I'm glad I'm neutered."

Dory, the dachshund:

"Hurry up! We're late! Riley, the Mayor of Stehley Park is going to hold court at 10 a.m. Where is it? It's by Butcherknife, use your nose."

Riley, golden retriever, the Mayor of Stehley Park:

"Quit sniffing my butt! I'm an elected official. Show some respect! Let's get down to business. How are we going to fight the leash law? Who has an idea on getting a dog park? All these mixed use buildings being built but no one has thought to include a dog park ... do they expect us to poop on the roof?"

Buckingham, the Corgi:

"Riley might be the mayor, but I am royalty."

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