Steamboat Pilot & Today

Park City, Utah — I am writing this column from my lonely hot tub in sight of the brightly lit ski trails at the bottom of Park City Mountain Resort.

My little laptop is perched on the edge of the spa, and I can almost see the world's greatest athletes filtering out of town through the drifting snowflakes. The glamour and competition of the past two weeks are over. But I'm not ready to give it up just yet, and I'm feeling a little melancholy.

I feel an existential column coming on let me try this idea out on you.

Did the Salt Lake 2002 Winter Olympics really happen? Or did they exist only in my imagination, the mere manifestation of humankind's inexorable quest to define oneness in a hostile world?

Oh yeah, this is gonna be good.

Oops, excuse me for just a moment, I think the Swedish women's hockey team just swung by to say hek da (farewell). They've become regular pests the last week.

"Vart ar du pa vag ladies?" Ahh, back to Stockholm.

No, please ladies, don't get in the hot tub, the splashing is bad for my laptop. Too late

Ragnhild! Keep your hands to yourself or I'll give you two minutes for interference. All right settle down then.

If you're going to hang around, you might as well help me write this last column from Utah. Suddenly, I find I'm not in such an existential mood. What shall we write about?

I know, let's play everybody's favorite game and suggest sports we would add to the Olympics if we ruled the International Olympic Committee.

But before we get started, I don't want to hear about any new sports that involve judges. Only sports that can be quantified you know, time elapsed, distances measured. Stick to that kind of stuff.

Sigrid, you go first. What's that? Reindeer-drawn sled racing? Hey, I kind of like that, but wouldn't the Swedes and Finns and Siberians have a natural advantage in that? Then again, maybe the Germans would really stink at it.

Hey, how about this? Reindeer milking first athlete to fill a gallon bucket wins a gold medal and gets interviewed by Katie and Matt. Then, Al Roker can take a celebrity turn at reindeer milking in the predawn darkness. Definitely put that one on the list.

OK, Lovisa, it's your turn. Olympic parking lot exit shuttle. Hmmmm. I'm concerned that could get violent.

Dorotea, you're up next. Ice fishing? I'm worried that wouldn't go over on prime time it can be a long time between bites. And you gotta know there would be controversies about illegal bait. Maybe if part of the competition involved using hand augers to drill your own hole in the ice. Then we could have more than one event. Kind of like special ski jumping and Nordic combined we could have special ice fishing, and then the guys who drill their own holes could compete in Ice Fishing Combined. Yeah, I'm beginning to see the possibilities. NBC could have submerged cameras that would really bring the competition into your living room. Put ice fishing on the "maybe" list.

Hey, let me get in on the action. How about Olympic roof shoveling? We're good at that event back in Ski Town USA. And we've got to find some way to surpass100 Olympians from Steamboat Springs.

Charlotta, that's a great idea family snowball feud! It could be an elimination tournament. Too bad we didn't think of that in time for Salt Lake the Osmonds would rule!

Ulrika, that is disgusting. No, we are not putting sumo wrestling on ice on our list. Can you imagine how long the line outside Roots would be, with tourists wanting to get the official sumo loincloth of the 2006 Winter Olympics? Lord, save us from that.

Agneta, how about some sports for motor heads? Yeah, I know, snowmobiling is obvious, but we don't want to turn into the X-Games. The Olympics have to be more dignified. Hey, how about the pairs snowblower relay? That works. We could get Honda or Sears to employ the members of the U.S. Snowblower Team.

I'm already getting goosebumps.

Akvilina, we've got room for one more Winter Olympic sport on our list. Bare-fisted windshield scraping. Sign me up plastic scrapers are for wimps!

Tom Ross, a longtime Steamboat resident, has been on assignment in Utah covering the Winter Games for the Steamboat Pilot & Today. His column is published every Monday in Steamboat Today.