Joanne Palmer: The amazing body holiday |

Joanne Palmer: The amazing body holiday

Joanne Palmer

In 1989, Joanne Palmer left a publishing career in Manhattan and has missed her paycheck ever since. She is a mom, weekly columnist for the Steamboat Pilot & Today, and the owner of a property management company, The House Nanny. Her new book "Life in the 'Boat: How I fell on Warren Miller's skis, cheated on my hairdresser and fought off the Fat Fairy" is now available in local bookstores and online at or

We're all busy. But our blood is busier. Did you know that our blood travels 12,000 miles a day? 12,000 miles! All without MapQuest, GPS or a road map. Imagine how far it goes when it boils.

No matter how much we think we do in our crazy, multi-tasking lives, our body does more, without ever asking for thanks.

I have to confess, I don't think about how my body functions too much. I wake up and pray my body will, too. I think about my body's appearance. For example, just now, I changed a light bulb in the bathroom. Without that light bulb, I looked 10 years younger. With the light bulb, well, nevermind how old I look. Therefore, I have concluded that dim lighting should be mandatory in all parts of the house, except for the garage. I think it's acceptable to look your age alongside the car.

Here's what the venerable World Almanac has to report about your heart and blood:

"The average heart beats 100,000 times per day — in an average life span, this amounts to as many as 3 billion heart beats. The heart pumps blood through a series of vessels ranging in size from the aorta, which is as thick as a garden hose, to capillaries, which are so small a dozen of them could fit inside a human hair. Every 24 hours, the body's blood travels about 12,000 miles, a trip that comes close to equaling the Earth's circumference at the equator, around 24,800 miles." 

Blood is busy, busy, busy, always on the move … logging frequent body miles. Fortunately, it does not have to go through airport security. If it did, it might never make it to the heart. Can you imagine this cell phone conversation?

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Blood: Ah, sorry heart, there's been a delay. I forgot to put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag, so I may not make it to you in time.

Heart: Whaaaat? You travel with shampoo and moisturizer? I need the oxygen you bring! Hurry up!

Blood: I always want to look my best. I don't want to go so fast I get a clot.

Heart: Well, if you don't get here soon, we won't have to worry about that, will we?

Blood: You know, you need to lose the attitude.

Heart: Well, whoop-de-doodle-do.

Blood: I'm hearing major AT-TI-TUDE. See ya.

There should be a national holiday to celebrate our bodies: the amazing body holiday. On this day, the entire country will be required to do nice things for their hard-working bodies. Legumes. Whole grains. Exercise.

Think about it. On most national holidays we party like rock stars, overeating (Thanksgiving, duh!) and drinking to excess … everything our bodies hate.

On the amazing body holiday, spas all across the country will offer free treatments to relax and rejuvenate our hard-working bodies. Restaurant menus will only offer food choices that are good for you. No doughnuts (boo-hoo). No french fries (boo-hoo). No ice cream sundaes (boo-hoo). All hotels will be free and everyone will be encouraged to get eight hours of peaceful sleep. Gyms, fitness centers and workout facilities will offer round-the-clock free fitness programs. And of, course, no blood drives or vampire visits will be allowed on that day.

Wow! My body feels more amazing already.

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