Joanne Palmer: Scandals, trivia, news tidbits help brighten the gray
May 24, 2011
Steamboat Springs — Dear Mother Nature, wasn't more than 400 inches of snow enough? Do we need even more moisture? Do you like looking at a line of sandbags lining the Yampa River? I am beginning to molt, and I refuse to buy an umbrella. They are probably all sold out anyway.
In the past 30 days, you have driven me to consume obscene quantities of potato chips, Reese's peanut butter cups and bread. Yup, French bread and butter. Straight up. Nothing better. I have moped around the house and, yes, even said a few thousand negative things about you. Just FYI, people are making fun of you on Facebook. You are the talk of the town, and there is even a new saying, "April showers bring May snow." It's not funny.
Furthermore, all of those house projects I saved "for a rainy day" are not getting done. I do not feel like cleaning out closets. I am too busy complaining. As for the money I put aside "for a rainy day," well, I spent it. As previously noted, I have been eating and reading a lot.
I know. I know. If this is the biggest problem I have in life, it is nothing. I get it. Complaining does not change anything. I hope by the time this column appears you will have seen the error of your ways and decided to turn on the sunshine. Vitamin D deficiency is not a good thing.
Mother Nature, In case you ignore my plea, here are some things I suggest to other Steamboaters to talk about besides the weather.
Scandal du jour — Fortunately, there is no shortage of scandals. Let's see, we have a Frenchman who claims a widowed maid half his age found him irresistible. Yeah, right! We have Arnold, the "Spermanator" who fathered a love child, and maybe saddest of all, the doping allegations against Lance Armstrong.
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After you're done reading up on all the scandals, you can amuse yourself with Snapple facts. Here's a couple of interesting ones.
Snapple Real Fact No. 908 — In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away by law if the driver is deemed either "unbathed" or "poorly dressed."
Snapple Real Fact No. 836 — "Pomology" is the study of fruit.
Snapple Real Fact No. 687 — The average cat can jump five times as high as its tail is long.
Snapple Fact No. 907 — Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
You're neater than you think! — The following oddity from this month's O magazine almost caused me to clean out my closets but then I reread the two sentences and decided I was a neat freak. "Last August the body of Billie Jean James was found buried under mountains of junk in her Las Vegas home, four months after she'd gone missing. This despite the early deployment of search dogs — and the fact that her husband still lived in the house."
Host a hummingbird happy hour — The little beauties are back. Fill up your feeders and have a cocktail while you wait for them to arrive.
We're still here — Rapture didn't happen. Rejoice we are all still here.
Indy 500 — Is there anything more boring than watching a car going around the track? Well, not if Danica Patrick is driving.
2012 presidential election — Seriously, Newt? OK, that was a cheap shot, but you know the weather is making me crabby. Who will the Republicans nominate? What about the new tell-all book about Sarah Palin?
Graduation — Don't worry if you don't know someone graduating from high school or college. Graduation ceremonies are held for kindergartners and eighth-graders, so look for invitations in the mail.
Now pull out those flip-flops and clean off the barbecue grill because I think Memorial Day is going to be great.
If not, look for me headed down the highway in my car! It may just be a one-way road trip to Destination Sunshine.